©istockphoto.com/Carey Hope

By Kristy MacKaben

Kelly Balchunas had been nursing her newborn for an hour and a half. Clad in sweat pants and a spit-up stained T-shirt, the Baltimore mom hadn’t showered or brushed her teeth. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate an actual meal. And to top it off, there was Al Roker on the “Today Show” with his feet dangling in a pool, living it up in Miami, umbrella drink in hand.

Balchunas remembers imagining how she might escape from her frustrating life as a new stay-at-home mom.

“I’m hating every moment of my life and thinking it would be so awesome to just get in a car and drive away,” she said.

Staying at home with your children might sound like the ideal situation, but experts agree it’s no picnic — especially during the winter months. And a recent study showed moms who stay at home are more likely to suffer from depression than those who go to work.

Katrina Leupp, a University of Washington sociology doctoral student, led the research in a study titled “Even Supermoms Get the Blues: Employment, Gender Attitudes and Depression.”

Leupp analyzed data from the U.S. Department of Labor, which revealed that women who worked showed less signs of depression than women who stayed at home.

“I found that employment generally boosts mental health,” Leupp said.

This is not news to Balchunas, who was a pharmaceutical market research representative before kids. But after her daughter, Eryn, was born 5 years ago, she didn’t recognize the signs of depression. She felt angry, frustrated and irritable, not sad or melancholy.

“I was pissed,” Balchunas said. “I was terrified of this little seven pound thing in front of me. Terrified of what she wanted and what her cries meant and what to do with her.”

She also wanted her freedom back. She wanted to eat a sandwich or read a book in peace.

“I just wanted to be able to stand up without this kid being on me,” she said.

Balchunas lived with these emotions — just assuming this was part of life as a new mom — until her husband, Brian, expressed concern. Their baby was about five weeks old by the time she sought help.

The signs of depression

Women may experience depression in different ways, experts agree. Balchunas felt angry and irritable, but other moms might feel sad or hopeless, said Dee Dee Franke, a registered nurse and board certified lactation consultant at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. Symptoms can begin as anxiety and then develop into depression, she said.

Franke organizes a mothers’ group at Mercy and a few years ago, she was in charge of a group at Greater Baltimore Medical Center where moms talked about depression.

“They’re struggling with handling parental issues. They’re usually having trouble with their kids. They’re emotionally just hanging on, and they’re not in tune to their kids’ needs and expectations,” Franke said of the mothers in her group.

Symptoms of depression include loss of appetite, loss of sleep and extreme indecisiveness. Some depressed mothers become self-critical and obsess over aspects of parenting, such as children’s feeding and sleeping schedules, Franke said.

“They’ll obsess on certain things. All mothers do, but they excessively do it,” she said. “They don’t cut themselves any slack at all.”

Balchunas can relate. She constantly felt anxious, fretting about what to do with Eryn. She had her day scheduled to the minute and would worry incessantly if everything didn’t go as planned.

Morning nap was at 9 a.m. It was never 9:30. Outings and play dates where scheduled around nap and there was no budging, she said.

“That was what my whole life was like for that time. It was very all-consuming,” Balchunas said. “It was the only thing I could rely on to help me with my depression and anxiety — to know I had this plan.”

Why are stay-at-home moms more depressed?

While Balchunas feels she experienced post-partum depression, in other cases the depression might come years after giving birth, according to Dr. Robert Hedaya, a psychiatrist, Georgetown University professor, researcher and founder of Whole Psychiatry in Chevy Chase.

In Leupp’s study, many of the stay-at-home moms surveyed said they experienced symptoms of depression, but not all were officially diagnosed.

Though Leupp’s study didn’t assess why stay-at-home moms were depressed, Leupp has her own theories.

“It may be, in part, that being a stay-at-home mom is tough,” she said.

Depression can be genetic or hormone-induced, but it could also be exacerbated by culture and society, Hedaya said.

“Women who are with kids are fairly isolated,” Hedaya said. “They aren’t getting enough sleep. There are tremendous demands on stay-at-home moms. It doesn’t really end.”

Stay-at-home moms may feel a loss of meaning and purpose, and they might not be receiving a lot of support, Hedaya said.

Ann Welch, of Gaithersburg, was never diagnosed with depression, but she understands how stay-at-home moms could feel lonely or frustrated.

The mom of three kids, ages 3 to 7, said winter is an especially difficult time for stay-at-home moms.

“Sometimes in the winter, when you’re inside all the time or when the kids are sick, then you can be wiped out for a week,” Welch said. “You’re not allowed to go to the play group. You don’t go to indoor facilities. You can become a little antsy. I become frustrated when we haven’t been anywhere.”

Welch said that belonging to a mothers’ group has helped her and her friends deal with the frustrations of being stay-at-home moms.

Battling the blues

Dr. Janan Broadbent, a Baltimore-based psychologist, agrees that staying connected socially is important for stay-at-home moms. It’s important to feel a sense of identity, she said.
“Raising a child is a huge responsibility. … There’s also a lot of work that goes into it,” she said.

It’s a rewarding job, but parents, and especially stay-at-home moms, can experience fatigue, and might long for a sense of identity beyond being a mom, Broadbent explained.

Spending time with friends, developing a hobby or talent can make a stay-at-home mom feel more fulfilled, she explained.

It’s also important to eat properly and exercise, Franke said. And never be afraid to ask for help.

“It can be as basic as having someone hold your baby while you brush your teeth or eat a sandwich or take a shower or have that person check in on you again and again,” Balchunas said.

Balchunas said her husband has been supportive, and she also sought help through local mothers’ groups. Professional help and medication were also instrumental in getting her through the first months after the birth of both of her children.

“As desperate as I felt, I didn’t believe things were going to get better, that I was going to enjoy this,” said Balchunas, who now loves being a mom and can’t get enough of her girls’ spontaneity. “I think it’s important to tell (new mothers) ‘I know you don’t believe me that things are going to get better for you, but it will. I felt everything you’re feeling. I promise. It will get better.’”

Now Balchanus said “I laugh a whole lot more than I ever have in my life … and that’s so fun.”

What to look for

Here are some symptoms of depression in stay-at-home moms, according to www.depressionagainst.com, a website geared to discussing depression symptoms, treatments and advice.

Behavior:
Withdrawal from people, work, pleasures and activities

Spurts of restlessness

Sighing, crying, moaning

Difficulty getting out of bed

Lower activity and energy levels

Lack of motivation

Weight gain or weight loss

Emotions:

Sadness

Overwhelmed by everyday tasks

Numbness or apathy

Anxiety, tension, irritability

Helplessness

Low confidence and poor self-esteem

Disappointment, discouragement, hopelessness

Feelings of unattractiveness or ugliness

Loss of pleasure and enjoyment

Thinking patterns:

Inability to make decisions

Lack of concentration or focus

Loss of interest in activities, people and life

Self-criticism, self-blame, self-loathing

Pessimism

Preoccupation with problems and failures

Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

photo by Sherry DiBari

An upcoming series of “Family First” parent workshops in Howard County will cover topics including child development, encouraging self-esteem and good behavior, positive guidance and discipline, and how to keep children safe and healthy.

The county’s Department of Citizen Services’ Office of Children’s Services planned the classes for parents and guardians raising young children, from birth to age 8.

Classes are offered in an interactive group format and include practical tips and advice for common situations, as well as hands-on activities. Participants may take sign up for a single class or the entire series of six. Each class is $5. Classes will be held from 6:15 to 8:15 p.m. every other Thursday from Feb. 16 through April 26 at the Bain Center, 5470 Ruth Keeton Way in Columbia.

For more information or to register, e-mail children@howardcountymd.gov, call 410-313-1943 or go to www.howardcountymd.gov/children.

A sculpture of frogs greets visitors at the main entrance of the Miller Branch Library in Ellicott City. (photo by Karl Merton Ferron)

By Betsy Stein

From the statue of a big frog reading to a little frog to the blue lights in the floor leading to the children’s area to the pint-sized window seat overlooking the Enchanted Garden, kids will be intrigued by the new Miller Branch of the Howard County Library in Ellicott City.

Beyond the short stacks of all their favorite books, there is a caterpillar shaped bench, a study room that looks playfully crooked from the outside, a large and airy classroom and best of all, the Enchanted Garden right outside.

The $29 million facility also has features pleasing to adults with walls of windows, 100 computers for public use, a river of lights running along the ceiling reminiscent of the Patapsco, water features, murals, a green vegetative roof that can be viewed from a second floor terrace and a café. There’s even space for teens to hang out and a room where they can dim the lights and watch a movie.

“Few places in the country are able to open and invest in ourselves a place of learning and a place for our children,” County Executive Ken Ulman said on a recent tour of the facility. “In Howard County we are blessed that our priorities allow us to make the financial investments that we know will pay off, education for all.”

The library was funded by the Howard County Government with a $2 million grant from the Maryland State Department of Education.

The Enchanted Garden, which will open in the spring, was made possible through a $25,000 grant from the Horizon Foundation. It features a small stream, raised beds, rain barrels, compost bins, pervious surfaces, paths and even a “pizza” garden of herbs and vegetables. Tiles that kids can put their handprints on, along with pavers, are currently on sale to raise funds needed for garden upkeep.

The library is located at 9421 Frederick Road. For details call 410-313-1950 or visit www.hclibrary.org.

After their daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last year, the Gerber family of Woodstock discovered a huge need among other parents of children with the disease.

“We started going to support groups and noticed that parents of kids with type 1 diabetes don’t get a break,” Renee Gerber said. “They have to be with their kids all the time.”

So the Gerbers, who own a CruiseOne travel agency franchise, knew what they could do to help. They organized the first annual Cruise for Diabetes.

“Being in the business we are in, we cruise a lot and our daughter goes with us,” Gerber explained. “I thought it would be great to open it to a group of parents. … It’s a nice way that they can be with their kids but the adults can have adult time and the kids can have fun.”

The cruise is not only a chance for families to get a vacation, it’s also a fundraising opportunity. Gerber has teamed up with the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation and for every cabin they book on the cruise, $100 is donated back to JDRF for research.

The Cruise for Diabetes is seven nights onboard the Royal Caribbean Enchantment of the Seas which leaves from Baltimore March 31 and stops in Port Canaveral, Fla., Nassau, Bahamas and CoCoCay, Bahamas. Families on the trip will be offered several unique opportunities such as a backstage tour on the ship, a Beach Olympics, enrichment sessions and more.

The ship is equipped with full medical facilities and a doctor is on board, Gerber explained. The dining staff also is accommodating in providing information needed for those with diabetes, she said.

Gerber’s daughter, Ashleigh, who is 8, has been on 13 cruises — several since she was diagnosed.

“I think it’s cool that we’re cruising to raise money for a cure,” Ashleigh said of the Cruise for Diabetes. “Cruising is my favorite thing.”

There is still availability on the ship. For details, visit cruisefordiabetes.com, call 866-568-0022, e-mail RGerber@CruiseOne.com.

Photo by Kendrick Brinson

Howard County’s Preschool/Child Care Information Fair has been rescheduled for March 4. The original Jan. 21 date was cancelled due to weather conditions.

The annual event, called “Children On Board,” features information about various child care and preschool options in the area. Teachers and care providers will be in attendance, as will representatives from community service organizations that serve the needs of young children.

The fair will take place Sunday, March 4 from 1 to 4 p.m. at Ten Oaks Ballroom, at 5000 Signal Bell Lane in Clarksville. Admission is free. Attendees are asked to bring a nonperishable food item to donate to the Howard County Food Bank.

For more information, call Howard County’s Office of Children’s Services at 410-313-1940 or e-mail childcare@howardcountymd.gov.

A few short years ago, we lived the typical life.

We were working parents, shuffling our two kids from school to sports, while squeezing in homework.  Weekends, we slogged through birthday parties, trips to Target and class projects.

We lived on microwavable meals and pizza delivery and barely had time to sit down and eat, much less talk.  Life was typical, but it was going by in a blur. We weren’t living our lives, as much as getting through the mundane, waiting for our “real lives” to begin.

So, we made a drastic change.

As I write this, I’m sitting in our new home, just steps from the Atlantic Ocean. There are no carpools here — there aren’t even cars. Cell phone service is spotty and the nearest Target requires an hour-long commute, first by boat, then by car.

We live on a 5-mile speck of sand off the coast of North Carolina and our life is far from typical. But, we love it.

Here’s the story of how we got here.

In 2008, we bought a house on Bald Head Island, N.C. We figured we’d retire there someday and visit for vacations in the meantime.

Bald Head is a place of forced relaxation. The only way to get here is by passenger ferry and transportation on the island is limited to golf carts and rusty bicycles. Each visit, we looked forward to parking our car on the mainland and saying goodbye to civilization.

Our vacations, never more than a week or two at a time, were the highlight of our busy life. We were away from the hustle and bustle of the suburbs, away from the to-do lists and the phone that never stopped ringing. We slept late, played on pristine beaches, splashed in oceanfront swimming pools and spent evenings playing old fashioned board games with the kids. It was the life we wanted to live, but could never find time for. We longed for more of it.

Not long after purchasing our Bald Head house, we sold our home in Maryland. The plan was to move from our 1860’s farmhouse to a house in the area that required less maintenance. But, the more we looked, the more we found it hard to commit to buying. After one particularly frustrating weekend of house hunting, my husband threw an idea at me.

Why wait until retirement? How crazy would it be to move to Bald Head now?

Turns out, everyone else found the idea crazier than we did. My boys, then in fourth and first grades at Glenelg Country School, didn’t want to leave their friends. One of my closest friends, knowing I had never lived away from my family, predicted I’d last a month. Our families either envied us or thought we had completely lost our minds.

“Who raises their kids on an island?” they asked.

After all, moving to the island required more than just a change of address. It would, quite simply, turn our lives upside down.

It meant we would live in a house roughly a third the size of our old one.  My husband, who would continue to work in Baltimore, would have to commute seven hours on Thursday evenings and turn around and make the long trek back on Sunday afternoons. Every week. And since there is no school on the island, we would have to homeschool — a foreign concept for me and the kids.

Moving to the island, at this point, even seemed crazy to us. But we forged ahead. We had nothing to lose. Everyone agreed to give the plan one year. If anyone was unhappy, we could always move back.

So when school let out in June, we made the big move. At first, it felt like an extended vacation. We kept thinking our time would soon be up, and we’d be heading back to the real world. But as the weeks turned to months and the summer residents and tourists left the island, reality sank in. We were really here to stay.

We gave ourselves time to adjust to homeschooling, which my boys have come to embrace wholeheartedly. Instead of logging seven-hour days in a classroom, we now work until lunchtime, Monday through Thursday. Afternoons are spent swimming and playing and Fridays we take off so the kids can spend time with Dad.

We took time to reconnect as a family and slowly, we got to know the island’s other permanent residents, all 220 of them. While most are retired, we were lucky to find three other young families (and six other children!) living on the island year round. The children range in age from 3 to 11, most of them are boys and all but one are homeschooled.

We get together several times a week. During the day, our children study science alongside biologists at the island’s turtle sanctuary and take golf and tennis lessons from the country club pros for gym. At night, we have potluck dinners and bonfires on the beach. Bound by our shared adventure, these other families have become our best friends. Our stories are varied — one family came to the island for work, the others, like us, are living in what was once their vacation home. All of us agree that if we hadn’t tried island living, we would have forever been plagued by “what ifs.”

Our life on the island is not conventional and it certainly is not for everyone. Our house lacks storage space, but it sits majestically on a bluff, where huge ships glide past. Each day, after our schoolwork is complete, we spend the afternoon poolside, biking down narrow roads draped with Spanish moss or playing in the surf.  Winters are typically mild, allowing us to be outside nearly year round.  We no longer feel like novices — we have watched baby turtles hatch, tried our hand at kayaking and sailing and survived close calls from Tropical Storm Earl and Hurricane Irene.

Once every two weeks or so, we take the ferry to the mainland, where we buy groceries, run errands and enjoy the everyday conveniences that used to be right around the corner.

Sometimes, however, even living in paradise is hard. We miss our family and friends and the three-day weekends with my husband always go way too fast. I miss Starbucks, pizza delivery and the mall. I have yet to find a good hairdresser or pediatrician. In the summer, our island is overrun with tourists and in January and February, it can be cold, rainy and empty.

I try to visit Maryland as often as I can, where we dine at the Cheesecake Factory, scour the sale racks in Nordstrom, and take the kids bowling, skating and to the movies. And as much as I love getting my fix of these things, when I’m gone, I long for the peace and quiet of the island.

Today, we live in the moment as much as possible, still taking things year by year. My children’s friends come to visit and my husband declares that, despite his commute, each weekend feels like a vacation. I hope that by living an unconventional life, my children learn to follow their dreams, to never be afraid of the road less traveled, to forge their own path.

The real world may be more exciting, but life on an island suits us just fine.

Photos: Top, the Riegert family; Sandi, Drew, 11, Blake, 8, and John. Middle: The Riegert boys explore the island in the afternoons after a morning of home school. Bottom: the family on the beach.

Photos courtesy of Sandi Riegert.

Friday was Betsy Stein’s last day as editor of Maryland Family. Betsy hired me part time as assistant editor in 2003 when I was trying to ease back into the workforce after several years at home with my children. We soon became co-editors and spent the next seven years putting together a magazine that mirrored what was going on in our own lives. Potty training? Let’s write a story. Tween crushes? Let’s write a story. Night terrors? Breastfeeding issues? Homework drama?

It truly was a labor of love.

 
And while Betsy was an amazing co-worker, she was an even better girlfriend. 

Now, we all have girlfriends we can talk to and hang out with. But Betsy brings something extra to that table that many women — in spite of a crew of girlfriends — don’t have.

Betsy is honest. Brutally honest. She doesn’t sugarcoat anything to preserve your feelings. She tells you exactly what she thinks and while sometimes it can be a lot to take in, it is the trait I value most in her.

 
She’s never mean about it or judgmental. She just tells it like it is, and that’s something we women don’t do enough of. We get so caught up in being supportive that often we don’t tell each other the one thing we need to hear — the truth. If these pants make my butt look big, please tell me so I can wear something more flattering. If I overreacted in a meeting, please tell me so I can make it right. If I turned in a story that wasn’t my best effort, tell me so I can improve it. If I’m not doing my best, call me on it and challenge me to do better. Don’t make excuses for me or listen patiently while I whine. Be my friend by being honest with me so I can be honest with myself.

 
Betsy has always been that woman in my circle of friends.

 
She will be missed at Maryland Family, but I know the stories she brainstormed and the wisdom imparted on the pages of the magazines benefitted tens of thousands of parents and will continue to do so.

 
So take a page from Betsy’s book and never hesitate to share your knowledge with other parents, support your friends, love all the children in your life and be honest with each other.

 
Be like Betsy.

After 21 years with Patuxent Publishing (now Baltimore Sun Media Group), 10 of those years as editor of Maryland Family magazine, and three years blogging for ‘My Maryland Family,’ I am leaving for different horizons.

Before I started this blog, I didn’t even know what a blog was. But when we created this website and my boss suggested we start blogging, I dove right in, and I have loved every minute of it. I have enjoyed sharing the antics in my house, the struggles I’ve encountered as a parent and the rays of light that come from having kids. This blog has forced me to focus on my No. 1 vocation — that of mom to a brood of four — and to chronicle our lives in a way that I never would have considered doing otherwise.

I hope you have enjoyed getting to know my family and our quirks. The blog hasn’t been great literature or even deeply profound — but it’s always come from my heart. Your occasional comments or words in passing have kept me going. And just knowing that I have readers out there, no matter how few, has kept me thinking about my crazy life and what might be worth sharing.

I am sad to go and sad to leave this blog behind. It was not an easy decision, but I know in my heart it is time. Maybe, one day, I’ll start a blog of my own. I’ll let you now if I do.

The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore is having a “Breakfast with the Animals” series starting with the polar bears Jan. 21 from 8:30 to 10 a.m. Meet at the zoo’s heated Coke Pavilion at the Village Green for breakfast, and then head to the Polar Bear Watch for a question and answer time with keepers and watch as the polar bears receive a special wintry enrichment. There will be education stations, photo opportunities and a take-away gift. Tickets are $55 for members, $65 for others. Children under 2 are free but still need a ticket. Same day zoo admission is included. For details, go to www.marylandzoo.org/breakfastseries or e-mail events@marylandzoo.org. Space is limited.

There’s a one stop shop for everything you need to know about day care and preschools in Howard County this Saturday.

“Children On Board,” Howard County’s annual Preschool/Child Care Information Fair

sponsored by the Howard County Office of Children’s Services, will be held from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday at Ten Oaks Ballroom, at 5000 Signal Bell Lane in Clarksville.

Staff from area child care and preschool programs will be available as well as

representatives from community service organizations that provide programs and services to Howard County’s young children.

Admission is free. Attendees are asked to bring a nonperishable food item to donate to the Howard County Food Bank. For details call 410-313-1940 or e-mail childcare@howardcountymd.gov.

Photo by Hans Ericsson