Dawn Mooney didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a “free-range” mother. And when she first read about the mother who coined the term, she was a little aghast.
But when her oldest son at age 10 wanted to go to a neighborhood playground with friends, she decided to let him.
“It wasn’t all of a sudden, one day he turned a certain age and that was it,” says Mooney, a mother of three from Greenbelt. “It’s been building.”
A former preschool teacher, Mooney has also done some thinking and reading on the topic.
Maybe once it was as simple as being over-protective or over-permissive, but today there’s a whole new set of parenting lingo.
Are you a helicopter parent? A free-range parent? Do you really want to be either?
Parents may find themselves grappling with the labels as they balance safety concerns and educational pressures with their desire to raise happy, independent children. For some, the terms help describe a fundamental approach to how much freedom they believe a child needs.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to subscribe to just one philosophy, or that you can’t have a sense of humor about it.
“I used to kind of joke about it,” says Mooney, who writes a parenting blog called My Thoughts Exactly. “I’d say the independent children come from the slacker parents.”
Free Range
Mooney says she was also affected by the book “Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry.”
“Do you ever … let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid!” the author, Lenore Skenazy, writes on her website. “Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail.”
Skenazy began a huge debate when she wrote a piece in 2008 for The New York Sun titled, “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Take The Subway Alone.”
Mooney, too, was initially taken aback, but later she realized that her reaction was partly because she wasn’t used to a city subway system. She is at ease taking buses and felt more comfortable with the idea that her children would be allowed to take the bus without her.
Helicopter
And while some parents are uncomfortable with Skenazy’s philosophy, many parents don’t want to be classified as “helicopter parents” either. That expression, coined in a 1990 parenting book, was given currency by college administrators bemoaning parents who complained to professors about their children’s grades and still took care of basics like waking them up for class and doing their laundry.
But “helicoptering” can be a problem long before college.
“We’ve all seen the mom at the play-dates who can’t focus on a conversation because she’s so busy proctoring the play-date,” says Jessica McFadden, a mother of two in Silver Spring. She doesn’t see the need to get involved in every detail of the Thomas train table play. “Who has Gordon and Henry — they’ll work out. It’s all going to be fine … I mean, obviously, you step in so no one’s in a choke-hold.”
Even with school-age children, “there are parents who never let the kids out of their sight,” says Bonnie Compton, a parenting coach and Ellicott City native who now does phone consultations from her home in Charleston, S.C.
Intervention
It’s easy to get so caught up in the business of life that we, as parents, don’t stop to think about a parenting philosophy. We’re reacting, rather than thinking ahead of how we want to handle situations.
“Sometimes, it’s good if you can step back a little … so that you can parent consciously,” says Compton. “You might ask, ‘Where can I let go? Where can I allow a little more freedom?’ ”
“Free-range” doesn’t mean parents don’t — or shouldn’t — set limits. “They’re allowing the child to learn,” Compton says.
Compton recommends that by middle school, parents begin to pull back. As their children finish high school, she says parents should see themselves as more of consultants than managers.
But it can be hard to let go, especially if the parent knows the child will fail or, worse, get hurt.
“It’s hard to see our children make mistakes or get hurt,” Compton agrees. “The temptation is to step in.”
But before stepping in, experts also recommend that parents try to remember that sometimes children just need to vent about a situation.
“Sometimes, they just need to let it out,” says McFadden. “I know when I’m venting to my husband, the last thing I want is for him to call my boss or my girlfriend.”
Likewise, it may not be the best thing to hear about your child’s problem at recess and immediately reach for the phone.
Yes, you need to address systematic problems and serious ones with teachers and other parents. But not every perceived slight calls for intervention. And it’s important to teach children to see situations from others’ perspectives.
At Goucher College, Kia Kuresman, director of new student programs, frequently reminds parents that they may hear from a child when he or she is upset. But when the parent calls the college a few days later, Kuresman almost always finds that the student has resolved the issue.
“In my experience, parents often hear the bad, but they don’t as often hear the good or the resolution,” says Kuresman.
That’s an important consideration for parents debating whether to step into a situation.
School
An especially difficult area for parents to navigate is school. When kids are in grade school, it’s important for parents to check on homework, but it’s also important to allow children to learn lessons, including time management, says Compton.
“We need to let our kids experience natural consequences,” she says.
School projects and homework become a joint effort by helicopter parents. Compton says, “I’ve even heard parents say, ‘We’re studying for the SATs.’”
Matthew W. Micciche, head of the Friends School of Baltimore, says he understands the motivation of parents — education is so important and no one wants their child to be at a disadvantage.
He’s found that telling parents what kind of involvement is expected is key, such as whether teachers want them working on homework together.
“Ninety-nine percent of parents are going to stay within boundaries if they understand them,” he says.
But with the rise of cell phone and text messaging, it’s easier for parents to get caught up in the minutiae of their children’s lives.
“Parents are in closer communication with the children,” Micciche says. “That is the reality at schools.”
Having instant access can make it harder for children to learn to advocate for themselves, Micciche and other experts say.
But cell phones also provide assurance to both parents and children, and sometimes allow parents to give their children more freedom than they might otherwise.
Mooney felt comfortable letting her 10-year-old son take the bus to summer camp at the community center this summer, in part, because he had the safety net of carrying her cell phone and she got an “I’m here” call when he arrived safely.
Of course, how we parent also depends on our child’s age and temperament. Some children are self-motivated. Others need more nudging.
Sometimes, we hover. Sometimes, we sit back and let the kids be kids.
What works for one parent, or even one child, may not be the best approach for another.
“Everyone’s coming from the same place,” says McFadden. ”We all want our kids to be happy, to be well-adjusted, to be safe, to be confident.”
QUIZ: What kind of parent are you?
Where are your kids right now?
A: Right next to me. Where else would they be?
B: Playing in the neighborhood somewhere. They’ll be back by dinner.
C: In the back yard. I think I see one making a mud pie. Oh well!
It’s science fair time. How will your child chose his topic?
A: We’ll chose together. We’ll work on it together. I may have to finish it.
B: He makes the decision and does the work. I’ll offer help if it looks like there’s a problem.
C: I make suggestions and often give a helping hand. But the project is definitely his and getting it done is his responsibility.
It’s a rainy Saturday. Your tween asks to go to the mall with a group of friends and have lunch. You say:
A: No way!!
B: Sure.
C: Maybe. Who’s driving? What will the group do after lunch?
Your daughter and her best pal are in a big fight. What’s likely to happen?
A: You hear your daughter’s side and get on the phone to the friend’s mom. You can’t help but be upset and hurt on your daughter’s behalf.
B: They’ll work it out. Geez.
C: You let your daughter vent. And then, you talk about the various ways your daughter can handle the situation.
Your toddler is really on the move — walking, running, climbing and generally getting into everything. You:
A: Wish you could find some breathable bubble wrap. You cushion all sharp edges. You safety lock everything that opens. And you worry. A lot.
B: Consciously don’t gasp or react to every spill, stumble and tumble. You kiss boo boos but you also reassure, “You’re OK. Shake it off.”
C: Accept that the kid is going to fall. Of course, you take safety precautions such as installing stair gates and making sure toxic cleaners, medications and other obvious dangers are locked away. And you’re nearby with a kiss and a band-aid when needed.
Answers:
If you answered mostly As, you appear to have helicopter tendencies. Your kids need and want you to be involved. But don’t forget how important it is for children to solve problems without parental direction.
If you answered mostly Bs, you’re more laid back in your parenting, even if you don’t subscribe to the “free-range” philosophy. You don’t interfere too often, but be sure to adjust your hands-off approach to age and situation.
If you answered mostly Cs, you’re finding a middle ground. There are times that you hover closely and times when you inspire your kids to be independent, even when it’s difficult to stand back.
Photo by istockphoto.com/chang