The Jeppi children, Chayla (the oldest), Nicholas (the middle) and Piper (youngest).

Pity the poor middle child. Overshadowed by the all-important, achievement-oriented firstborn on the one hand and the pampered, doted-on last child on the other. The middle child even has her own affliction: “Middle Child Syndrome” — a not particularly positive condition generally defined as feeling neglected, overlooked, taken for granted.

In short, invisible.

Just ask psychologist Kevin Leman, author of the 1998 book, “The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are What You Are,” about middle children.

“It is quite normal,” writes Leman, “for middle children to feel left out, ignored and even insulted.”

Or, you could ask Alexa Jeppi, whose middle child credentials are impeccable. The Parkton mother, 33, grew up as the middle child of three and, as if that weren’t enough, has three children of her own. Jeppi readily admits that both she and her middle child exhibit some of the classic symptoms of middle children — most notably they are less demanding, more easy-going than their siblings.

So how does Jeppi handle all the neglect she suffered as a middle child?

“Actually, I think being a middle child helps you — it’s definitely helped me,” she says. “You’re so much more well-rounded. You can handle different personalities. If I know someone is a middle child, I would think she’s probably a good person. Easy-going. A good friend.”

The gap between Leman’s view of the long-suffering middle child and the rosier assessment of actual middle child Jeppi illustrates both the attraction and the pitfalls of birth order theories.

The theories are generally credited to Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud. Dramatically oversimplified, the theories hold that the first-born child gets the most attention and tends to be the confident, sometimes selfish achiever; the middle child gets far less attention and tends to be the easy-going, flexible peacemaker; and the last-born, who as the baby of the family gets away with murder, ends up spoiled and self-centered.

Over the years, the theories about birth order have captured the imagination of psychologists and parents, journalists and researchers — and, of course, countless everyday people looking for clues as to why they turned out the way they did (and perhaps why their siblings turned out so differently).

The pitfalls become clear when you realize that the theory is a lot more complicated than it first seems, and that birth order is just one of many factors that determine personality and fate.

The theories are certainly popular at Towson University, where birth order is studied as part of a general education course called “The Parenting Process.” According to two instructors who have taught the class, birth order is one of the more popular subjects they discuss.

“The students are really interested in it,” says Dr. Joan Ports, who taught the course for 15 years. After birth order is explained and discussed in groups, she says, students are split on the issue. “I’d say about half of them definitely believe it and the other half says they don’t see it at all.”

Ports notes that hundreds of studies have been done on birth order, not to mention countless books and magazine articles written. She also notes that an overview of the research done several years ago concluded that birth order is not particularly reliable in determining how a person will turn out.

And what does she think? “Personally, I’ve seen it in many people, but in many others, I just don’t see it. I think there are many other factors.”

That notion is seconded by Gwen Mahoney, who also teaches the course at Towson.
“A lot of it is pop psychology,” says Mahoney. “It’s pretty hard to prove it scientifically.

“I think it’s a neat little theory that has some validity, but life is far too complicated to explain that way. Birth order is just one part of your environment.”
Still, Mahoney does not deny the theory’s allure.

“Whenever the topic comes up in my class, students seem to latch onto the birth order theories, finding similarities with their own family dynamics,” she says. “There is something simple and orderly in describing people by these traits, but life is much more complicated.”

In other words, middle childhood is not destiny; if you are born in the middle of a pack, you are not fated to a life of feeling left out. Among the many other factors that determine a person’s fate, the experts say, are genetics, gender, education, socio-economic status, special needs, the number of children in the family and spacing between the children.

Even die-hard believers in the importance of birth order say there is a lot more to the middle child than the undemanding, invisible peacemaker.

Psychologist and author Leman, for example, notes that middle children are the hardest to pigeonhole and characterize even though they tend to make friends easily (as middle child Jeppi knows so well); have mediation skills that can make them successful entrepreneurs, diplomats or politicians; and are often mentally tougher and more independent than their siblings.

“When you add it all up,” writes Leman, “the middle ground is not a bad spot at all on which to stand.”

Parenting the [MIDDLE] child
“It might be statistically true that families put more resources (money, time, energy) into the first child and are most relaxed with the baby of the family, but it doesn’t have to be that way,” says Towson University instructor Gwen Mahoney, who teaches a parenting education class that covers birth order theory. “Good parenting includes viewing each child as an individual with unique skills and talents. It’s a parent’s job to find these gifts.”
Psychologists and researchers offer the following suggestions for parenting the middle child:
• Listen to them. Since middle children tend to feel ignored and to be undemanding — the ultimate non-squeaky wheel — it is especially important to take the time to figure out what they are feeling.
• Determine what special qualities your middle child has; encourage your child and praise him for those qualities.
• Don’t expect your middle child to be like your oldest; don’t measure her by the same yardstick.
• Make special time for your middle child. This is especially important for the middle child, again because he might be least likely to demand the attention.
• Be sparing with those hand-me-downs. There’s nothing wrong with a few used shirts once owned by an older brother, but make sure your middle child has some clothes and other items he can call his and his alone.
• Be generous with the camera. One of the most enduring but accurate clichés is that both the first-born and the adorable last-born are the stars of scrapbooks full of photographs, while the middle-born can be harder to find than Waldo. That can hurt, so take plenty of photos and videos of your middle child — including some of her alone.

A few [MIDDLE] children
Susan B. Anthony
Tony Blair
Cindy Crawford
Bill Gates
Donald Trump
John F. Kennedy
David Letterman
Madonna
Richard Nixon
Barbara Walters
Princess Diana
George Washington

Photo by Nicole Martyn