Helen Mercer and the teachers at Manor Woods Elementary School, in Ellicott City, don’t need robins or daffodils to know when spring has arrived. Spring has sprung, they know, when some of their older, mostly female students begin to giggle and gossip about who likes whom.
“We see sprinkles of it throughout the year, but in the spring, it’s so predictable,” says Mercer, a counselor at the school for the past 16 years. “Maybe the girls, during recess or lunch time, make little remarks, or tease about the boys. Or in the office, girls come in and say, ‘So-and-so likes so-and-so.’ ”
Ah, preteen crushes. Is there anything more cute and innocent for parents — and at the same time more maddening and worrisome?
Yes, pre-teen crushes are absolutely normal, whether the object of the crush is the little blonde boy on the playground or one of the stars of a “Twilight” movie. (Experts agree, by the way, that the latter “celebrity crushes” are almost always more benign than other crushes, if only because, as one therapist put it, “Even a child is able to realize she could never date a Jonas Brother.”) And yes, the crushes offer parents a wonderful opportunity to pass on to their children some socialization skills and some of their own values.
But they also come at a time when many parents still are thinking of their children as precious innocents. And they can be a harbinger of things to come while parenting the mad ups and downs and the pitfalls of a teenager.
Terry Kemp, a Glenelg mother of three, knows the feeling. Her older daughter “came into that boy thing very quickly,” as she puts it, when she was 11 or 12. It started at middle school dances — “their first opportunity for unleashed emotions.” Before long, her daughter’s grades were suffering and Terry had turned into a hyper-vigilant parent, installing parental controls on the home computer, making sure her daughter and friends weren’t left alone at the mall, talking to her whenever possible about boys, stepping in when needed.
“I guess I’m glad that I’m learning on fast-forward with the first one,” says Kemp. “But it doesn’t make it any easier.”
The experts probably would applaud Kemp’s handling of the situation. While counselors and therapists interviewed agree that preteen crushes are normal and typical, they also agree the crushes can lead to problems and need to be monitored.
“When you start to be worried is when you see dramatic changes in behavior,” says Beth Lucas, a counselor at Lime Kiln Middle School, in Fulton. A drop in grades, trouble sleeping, frequent crying, unhealthy eating habits, a change in friends, excessive talking about one person — all of these and more, Lucas says, could be a sign that your preteen’s crush has become obsessive, and perhaps a problem.
What sort of problem? A child could be excessively teased and embarrassed, especially if the crush (real or not) becomes public. Hurtful rumors might spread. The object of the crush could feel smothered. The crush might not be reciprocated.
The cure for this, the experts say, is often some smart adult intervention. “We try to talk about it, get it out in the open and normalize it,” says Mercer. “They’re not being evil, they’re not being lewd. They’re going through life, and they need a helping hand. … We just have to guide it, to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. We have to stay connected to the kids.”
By “we,” of course, Mercer means not only counselors and teachers but also parents. Your child’s crushes, she says, offer “a golden opportunity to share your values, your perspective about relationships.”
Mercer and others say parents need to listen to their children, and respect their feelings and perceptions. But at the same time, parents need to make sure their children realize what is appropriate behavior and give their feelings some perspective.
“It’s a very fine line,” concedes Lucas. What can help, she says, is remembering your own first crush. “Just remember what it was like at that age. Your emotions go from high to low in the blink of an eye. … You might think the world is ending. It’s ridiculous, but it’s very real for them.”
Lucas notes that many parents shy away from talking to their youngsters about crushes for fear the discussion could lead to talk about sex. Kids realize that reluctance, she says, and might become less likely to talk.
As for the worry that youthful crushes can lead to sex, that can be legitimate but also overblown, according to Dr. Diane Stabler, a child psychiatrist who works at Howard County General Hospital and at Springfield State Hospital.
“Rarely do you have to worry about your child thinking, ‘Oh, I like him, I’m going to have sexual intercourse,’ ” says Stabler. Rather, she said, young crushes are all about the socialization process, which parents should help along.
“If they tell you about a crush, that’s a good thing,” she says. Good, she explains, because it gives you the chance to talk about what a friend is, about what is and is not appropriate behavior, about being friends with the opposite sex, about what makes a good relationship — all that and a whole lot more.
“It’s all part of the developmental journey,” says Stabler. “And at the end of the journey you want them to be well-rounded individuals.”
One new wrinkle in today’s pre-teen crushes is the explosion of electronic communication. The Internet, cell phones, social networking sites, practices like texting and even “sexting” — these can complicate the age-old ailment of puppy love considerably. They can be used to spread sometimes-hurtful news or inappropriate emotions quickly and widely, not to mention under the radar of parents, who are likely to be less tech-savvy than their child — even if that child is only 11 or 12.
“Parents really need to heighten their awareness and tune in,” suggests Mercer.
Terry Kemp certainly would second that recommendation. Based on her experiences with her older daughter, Kemp likens children’s access to the Internet and high-tech communications to “giving them a set of car keys at age 13. The freedom they have is unimaginable.”
Kemp’s older daughter is 14 now, and so doesn’t qualify for preteen crushes, and her 11-year-old son is “all about video games,” to her relief. But her younger daughter, now 8, is another story. “She’s got a crush on one of the ‘Twilight’ stars,” says Kemp, as if resigning herself to more upcoming bouts of puppy love. “She’s got Jake up in her closet and up over her bed.”