Last week my oldest son told me it didn’t seem like we loved him any more.
It had been a rough week, and I had become angry with him quite a bit. I expressed disappointed with everything from his not listening to me, to his leaving two sweatshirts at school, to an altercation he had with a classmate in which he reacted with violence. He had just thrown an impressive temper tantrum, and I was trying to calm him down when he told me he felt unloved.
His declaration stopped me short. While I felt that everything I was doing for him — from cooking foods he liked, to allowing him to play travel lacrosse 45 minutes away, to making a trip to the YMCA to dig through a disgusting bin of lost and found items in an attempt to find his lost book — was screaming “I love you,” he apparently didn’t see it that clearly.
It made me start to wonder how you make a 9-year-old know that he is loved. Constant hugs and kisses don’t cut it any more and giving in to his every whim is not advisable or realistic. My immediate response at the time was to tackle him and hug him so tight he couldn’t escape. And first thing the next morning, I was sure to tell him I loved him. But I’m wondering what else I can do. I love my kids more than I ever thought possible, but how do I show them? I’m just not sure anymore.
Good question. But I don’t think you have to do anything more than you’re doing. Kids say things in the moment that they may not really mean the way they come out. Kids also know what pushes our buttons. And what pushes a mom’s buttons more than saying something like that?
It’s more about the marathon, not the race, I think. When this child is grown, he’ll look back and see that everything you did for him — and, just as importantly, helped him learn to do for himself — showed your love. Deep in his heart, he knows it now.
Children at that age are very concrete and literal. From the sounds of it, you had a bad week with him, and all he saw and felt was you being upset and angry with him quite a bit. That you take him places and allow him to do things that show you love him, and think he is special, don’t register with children that age. All they see is what is happening in the here and now, and at that point in time he didn’t feel loved. Now if you asked him an hour later, or the next day when things are going good, the answer would probably be totally different. It is hard for a parent to strke a balance, especially with more than one child to take care of.