Conner Burke began asking his parents for dance lessons when he was 5 years old.

“He started coming to us in kindergarten and saying ‘I want to do that Irish dancing,” says his mother Nancy Burke, of Ellicott City. So they signed him up at the Teelin School of Irish Dance in Columbia when he was 8, and he’s still at it at 14.

Grace Bondurant, on the other hand, gravitated toward football in summer camp and youth group activities. Her mother Stacey, however, had some reservations when Grace wanted to try out for the junior varsity team at Atholton High School as a sophomore last fall.

“I said she was crazy and that she was going to get hurt,” Stacey said. “But then Grace’s sophomore year, she came home telling me how the freshmen and sophomores were not that much bigger than she was. She did pretty well.”

Dancing might not be what parents dream about for their strapping sons, and football is not usually the sport of choice for parents of darling little girls. But what should a mom and dad do when their baby ballerina decides she’d rather toss around the pig skin, or their budding football player decides he’d rather glide across the dance floor?

Cindee Vellee, owner of Cindee Vellee Ballet in Columbia, said the answer is simple — children should be allowed to explore their interests, wherever they lie.

“As a parent, get behind them,” she said. “I don’t see where either one of them is specific to boys or girls. … Girls can play ball and boys can dance, and they should.”

Dr. Patricia Williams, of the Family Studies and Community Development department at Towson University, said that children are in the process of developing a sense of self and a sense of their identity during childhood and adolescence.

“In this process they try on different hats and activities in an attempt to help better understand their skills, competencies, talents and potential for the future,” she said.

Howard County has no problem letting girls play football, according to Al Harden, manager of the Sports and Adventure Services Division for Howard County Recreation and Parks. As long as girls have the skills needed to play football and they meet the age and weight requirements for their division, they are welcome to play, he said.

Vallee welcomes boys into her dance program as well.

“Dance is as much about men as it is about women,” she said. “What is a dance if you only have the female part? Where are the partners? It’s every bit as much a man’s art form as it is a women’s art form.”

Deanna Gurri, an Ellicott City mother of six, has enrolled several of her sons in dance classes through the years.

“My oldest, who is now 8, attended a toddler tango class in New York from the time he was 1 to all the way up to 4 or 5,” she said. “That was a movement class and he just loved it. I have no qualms about enrolling my sons in any form of dance … anything that requires discipline and movement is good for children.”

But there’s always the issue of peer reaction.

For parents of girls who want to play football, Bondurant said, there’s not only physical injuries to take into account, but emotional pain as well.

“There were a few people who were blatantly rude and highly offensive,” she said. “There were times when Grace was not treated fairly by some of the players. So I’d give her pep talks and encourage her to keep going even though her body was hurting. … This is really a huge learning experience for parents. You just sort of learn as you go.”

The reaction children may have to the criticism from their peers is important for parents to acknowledge and address, Williams agreed. She is no stranger to this issue as her middle school-aged son is into drama and musical theater and is not at all athletic.

“Middle school is rough, and I would definitely offer support to kids that fall outside of the norm to help them respond to others’ comments,” she said. “Drama has helped my son immensely to find his niche. It has given him some skills to help him stand up for himself and helped him find a peer group of like-minded souls, both of which I think outweigh some of the negative comments some of the more typical boys in his homeroom have made to him this year.”

According to Williams, studies have found that even as early as 3 years old, children can identify activities associated with men and women. There is also a 1999 study by Kenneth Sandabba and Christian Ahlberg that was published in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, that suggests that adults, especially fathers, are not as tolerant of behavior that fall outside of the typical sex stereotypes, especially for boys.

“Lots of parents worry that when a child demonstrates behavior that falls outside of the stereotype for their gender that something is wrong and they put lots of time and energy into re-directing their child’s interests,” Williams said. “I am not sure this is the best course.”

The Burkes supported their son from the start.

“I think whatever your child’s interest is, if it’s healthy and athletic, I think you should support it,” Nancy Burke said. “I can’t imagine not letting them do something even though not every kid would do it.”

Connor’s father was equally as supportive and even learned to play the Irish drum, which he plays during many of Conner’s performances, she said.

Williams said that it’s important for parents to focus more on the skills that children learn from the activities they engage in and less on the actual activity. For girls playing football this includes learning to be part of a team, strategy, cooperation, assertiveness and competiveness. For boys pursuing dance it includes self-discipline, teamwork, concentration and sensitivity, she said.

“Kids who have a richer more varied sense of themselves and their skills tend to have a stronger sense of self, which can be adaptive and helpful in the long run,” Williams said.
Connor was always adamant about his desire to dance, Nancy Burke said.

“He was definitely the driving force,” she explained. And he doesn’t take any flack from classmates either.

“I think one of these days all of his friends are going to wake up and say ‘hey, he’s surrounded by all these beautiful girls, and he’s the only boy in their dance class,’” she said.

“It’s a once in a lifetime experience. You really don’t want to miss out on anything like that,” Bondurant agreed. “It’s extremely thrilling because it’s a new frontier, it’s totally unorthodox and people find it absolutely shocking.”