As the director of operations for the My Gym Children’s Fitness Center in Columbia, Owings Mills and Frederick, Lisa Peter is an expert at organizing the hundreds of birthday parties the center hosts each year.
But as a mom taking her 6-year-old daughter to a party, Peter admits there’s still a lot she’s trying to figure out, especially when it comes to deciding whether to stay or go.
Ever since her daughter was a toddler, Peter has accompanied her to parties. But now that she has a 5-month-old in tow and her daughter is older, she realizes there might be times when dropping her off could be a possibility. But what should she consider before doing so?
Unfortunately, there’s not a clear-cut answer, local experts agree. While a lot depends on the child’s age and temperament, even more depends on the birthday party itself. Thinking through the following questions, however, can help parents feel more comfortable with making the decision.
1. Who is hosting the party?
The main thing to consider is how well you know and trust the party hosts, says Terri Taylor, coordinator for Safe Kids Howard County, which works to prevent childhood injuries.
“I wouldn’t leave my daughter with parents I don’t know, but I tend to be kind of a worry wart,” says Peter. “As long as I know the parents and feel comfortable that the party is in a controlled environment where someone couldn’t just walk off with her, I think I’ll be fine leaving her for a couple hours,” she says.
Don’t be afraid to ask party hosts the “hard questions,” says Taylor.
“For example, find out whether there will be adults drinking or smoking around the children during the party,” she says. “Or if they have guns in the house, are they locked away?”
2. Who is invited?
Even if the party invitation doesn’t include parents, don’t assume it’s OK to drop off your child, says Paul Saviano, owner of Ultimate Playzone, a popular birthday party venue in Cockeysville. On the other hand, he says, if you plan to stay or bring siblings, the hosts might need to know in advance.
“Either way, always check with the hosts first,” says Saviano. “It’s just the nice thing to do.”
The number of kids invited is also good to consider, says Bunny Egerton, general manager for youth services for the Columbia Association, a community services organization that hosts hundreds of birthday parties annually.
“If you put more than 20 kids together in a room, you have a recipe for disaster,” she says. “It has nothing to do with party instructors’ training or children’s behavior. That’s just a lot of energy to manage.”
In a party situation with a lot of kids, Egerton suggests that parents stick around. If they don’t have a lot of help, the host parents might appreciate the extra hands, she says.
3. Where is the party located?
Before dropping your child off at a party, you should feel comfortable that it’s in a safe and controlled environment, says Dr. Paul Horowitz, a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics.
“One way to determine this is by looking at the child-to-adult ratio, especially if it’s at a public place or at someone’s home with a swimming pool,” he says.
Saviano, who accompanies his 4-year-old daughter to birthday parties, says if and when the time comes, he would feel more comfortable dropping her off at an enclosed space for private parties, rather than an open public facility where several parties are mixed together.
It can be easy for young children to accidentally wander into another party and get lost, says Saviano. Also it’s difficult to monitor who children are leaving with when facilities have more than one exit and entrance, he adds.
“Walk in with your child and take a hard look around,” says Egerton. “If you see anything that gives you prickles on the back of your neck then it’s a good sign that maybe you should stay,” she says.
Check to see whether the bathrooms are in a visible location, if there is staff there whose sole responsibility is the party and if there seem to be any teens or adults loitering, she explains.
4. What’s your child’s personality?
While age is a big factor in making the decision to stay with your child or leave a party, personality is an even bigger factor, says Horowitz.
“You know your child best,” he says. “Some children are more timid or shy, while others are really outgoing.”
Children who are used to being dropped off at daycare or school are more likely to run off and play, says Egerton. If your child gets upset when you leave, it’s best to stay nearby, she says.
“If it’s your child’s first time being left alone, having a friend attend the party can help ease any shyness or anxiety issues,” says Paul Ball, Jr., a counselor for Christian Counseling Services of Clarksville.
But if you end up staying, there are benefits. Peter says she enjoys staying at parties because it gives her more insight into how her daughter interacts with her friends.
5. What activities are planned?
Consider whether the party’s theme and activities coincide with your child’s development level, says Egerton.
“If your 6-year-old is invited to a roller-skating party but isn’t comfortable on skates, it’s probably not the right environment to leave her alone in,” she adds.
Horowitz suggests asking whether there will be a clown or other entertainment that could possibly make your child feel uncomfortable without mom or dad nearby.
“If a lot of physical activities are planned, ask whether the party attendants are certified in first aid or CPR in the event of an accident,” suggests Taylor.
Find out what time the festivities will be over, says Saviano, and be back at least 15 to 20 minutes early.
6. What does your child want?
The best way to decide is to simply ask your child if he wants you to stay for a while, says Horowitz.
“You could create a little signal for when he is ready for you to leave,” he says. “Until that happens, you both have agreed ahead of time that you won’t leave until you see the signal.”
Knowing your child, supporting his or her needs and keeping them safe should be parents’ main objectives in deciding whether to stay or go, says Horowitz.
“By doing so, you’re enabling them to have fun and be a kid,” he says.
Be the host with the most
If you’re planning a birthday party, our experts offer a variety of ways you can help parents feel more comfortable with their decision to either stay or go.
> Be clear in the invitation whether parents should accompany their child.
> Introduce yourself to every parent.
> Keep the party to no more than 20 kids and no longer than two hours.
> Recruit a relative, neighbor and/or babysitter who can assist you with activities, as well as serving and cleanup.
> Avoid situations that require transporting children from one place to another.
> If parents are dropping off, inquire about any special needs, i.e., food allergies, medications, etc., as well as a contact number where they can be reached.
> Give parents an exact time when they should pick up their child.
> Designate an area where parents can comfortably wait if they choose to stay.